My mother died from breast cancer. I know Breast Cancer Awareness month is almost over and to be honest, I had no urge to participate in a marathon in her honor or speak on how important it is to get tested the whole entire month. Maybe because she died and I am still mad over it? Maybe because every time I see someone who has posted a "Breast Cancer" survival story I get a little jealous? I don't know the reason, I just know I am not ready to be down with the "October Pink Movement" just yet.
It's been two years since my mother has passed and most of the time I don't think about it. I function best in denial and being in Los Angeles helps a lot. Whenever I go home to Connecticut however I don't have the ability to live in denial. I didn't realize the pattern at first but whenever I go back to Connecticut to visit the rest of my family the first day I am always so exhausted. All I do is sleep the entire day. My sister still has some of my mother's old furniture in her house and it was never that comfortable to me in the past but I find myself now making my mother's old couch my living space when I get to her house. I ball myself up on it and just sleep the day away. I guess it's my way of trying to imitate a young child who lays on her mother's lap.
It's been two years and one thing that is still hard for me is to look at pictures of my mom during the last few years of her life. I can look at photos of us when I am a child but anything when she is older is still hard. For a long time I wasn't able to hang any pictures up of her in my place. I tried once I moved to LA. I will never forget, one of the most beautiful pictures ever taken of my mother, by my father, I have in my possession. I decided that it has been 2 years and I was now ready to hang the picture up. I placed it on my computer desk so I would be forced to look at it everyday and within a minute I began to cry so hard. I couldn't function at all. How the hell can anyone function when you realize all over again that your favorite person in the world has died?
At my sister's house in Connecticut she has A LOT of pictures of my mother hanging up. Not only that, during the last month of my mother's life she was on bed rest at my sister's house. So I am guessing a combination of all those things makes my spirit weak once I get to Connecticut.
If death wasn't something that is promised to all of us I would truly still be mad at GOD for letting my mother die. I mean, this was not a part of the plan! I still haven't gotten married or had my first baby yet. I never imagined experiencing life without her. She was only 61 years old. It wasn't fair! But GOD was so gracious in her departure. I slept with her in the hospital for the last 2 days she was alive. We watched "Dancing With The Stars" and I jokingly tweeted that I would be on the show one day and I will win. I tried to make the best of the situation but her pain was unbearable and I hated to watch her suffer. I knew she was enduring it all for my sisters and I. I knew I couldn't be selfish anymore. I told her it was okay, I know she had to go but I assured her that not even death would keep us apart and that we would be connected forever.
All three of her daughters were by her side when she took her last breath. It was the most amazing and devastating thing to watch. My life changed forever in that moment. A part of me was happy that the pain was finally over for her but then there was that selfish part of me that was mad she had to go. I wasn't ready.
It's been two years. I guess you can say I have made progress. The first year I was sucidical for the first month. I remember I cried EVERY day. The pain was unbearable. I didn't want to live. But I watched my mother fight for her life with all she had so there was no way I could take my own life. I decided to live.
Breast Cancer sucks. Cherish the priceless moments with the people who matter most. Get tested. This is my PSA for the month...I hope it inspires someone...